Now What Have I Done?

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Now what have I done? said David. “Can’t I even speak?” (1 Samuel 17:29)

I hadn’t told anyone. I wasn’t going to tell anyone. How could I even begin to explain the depth of the hurt where even words would fail me. Maybe it is all my fault, all me; being too young, too immature, too whatever …..

This conversation with God was too tender and raw to share. How could I share how broken I was. Here I knelt with an open wound exposing my heart and I heard a voice, not even recognizable as my own crying out, “what have I done Lord”?

For hours, I had spilled out all my concerns to Him — begging for answers and desperately wanting the gnawing pain in my heart to go away ….

I know, many will read this and say, “my gosh where is her faith” and how can she cling to pain and dwell on these things …..

Well, say what you will. I won’t make excuses anymore. The truth is I was deeply concerned and heart-broken about some things which have happened in the weeks before, then just days before events took place to make me question my calling. When a church causes you to doubt things about yourself, these troublesome thoughts made me wonder if my purpose in life had changed — circumstances that produced full-on hot tears as I cried out to God throughout the day in quiet discouragement …….

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“Was God really concerned? Was my life’s calling about to take a sharp left turn that I wasn’t prepared for? How would I recover from this latest blow of hurt and disappointments? Is it me God? What have I done?

Instead of feeling purposeful, I stood in my kitchen with a sinking suspicion God was placing me on a shelf to collect dust for a while; especially after hearing the words, “if you do not yield — if you do not obey — nothing you do will ever prosper” …..

 

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I knew God loved me, but honestly, I wasn’t feeling very loved at that moment. I felt as if Satan were throwing fiery darts at me labeled: Immature …. Forgotten …. Invisible …. Disobedient … Not good enough.

I imagine that’s the way a young shepherd boy named David must have felt centuries ago ….

Although the prophet Samuel specifically appointed David as the next king of Israel, many years would pass and many difficult things would happen before David made it to the palace ….

The ruling king, Saul, questioned him, and so did David’s older brothers. To the point where right before he killed a certain giant named Goliath; David even exclaimed, “Now what have I done? Can’t I even speak?” (1 Samuel 17:29 ).

God had chosen, anointed and empowered David to be Israel’s greatest king in the Old Testament. Yet as we unwrap David’s story, we see how he was placed in many situations which were perfect environments for his doubts and uncertainty to take root and flourish ….

Relentlessly, David was hunted by King Saul who vowed to kill him. He lived in caves, was constantly on the run and had his fair share of fierce battles against vicious enemies ….

David must have had some hard days and sleepless nights where he, too, questioned his calling. I wonder if one struggle after another — one detour after another — one delay after another — caused David to examine his situation and ask God if He still planned to fulfill His predestined purposes in David’s life?

Maybe there were even brief moments when he felt forgotten, invisible, not good enough?
God had begun a good work in David and He was faithful to complete it. The detours … the delays … were all a part of the journey that prepared him to reign as king. The palace would not have been possible if the destination to it would have been cut short ……

Thankfully, we know David trusted God despite the enormous challenges he faced. And we get a glimpse of David’s thoughts as we read his words in (Psalm 138:8), “The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.”

After much prayer in the Holy Ghost; during and after which I wept in deep discouragement, the Lord brought (Psalm 138:8) to mind once again, like a warm blanket. It was like drinking a cupful of reassurance, allowing me to pause, take a deep breath and feel God’s tender presence wrap around me …..

Those beautiful words were originally penned thousands of years ago by David, and yet they spoke truth right into my situation today. Reassuring me. Comforting me. Rekindling my hope once again …..

Glory to God. The same applies to you and me. God is forever faithful and will complete the work He’s begun in our lives. We have to trust Him — on good days and on bad days. When doors of opportunity open wide and when detours delay us for a while. When others attempt to dissuade you or call you to immature to discern, or lay condemnation for anything that they deem unrighteous — remember: “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” …….

One that prophesies (speaks for God) speaks unto others to “edify, exhort, and comfort”…
(1 Corinthians 14:3). If I am not doing one of these three, then I am NOT speaking for God; I am giving my own opinion or my own emotional judgment, and this applies to pastors, teachers, or prophets. Even correction when done in love brings about a repentive heart eager to change ….

Every season has a purpose, and every part of God’s plan for our lives is good, even the pain and struggles that we don’t automatically understand. He promises to perfect all that concerns us … today and for our future …..

Heavenly Father, You are greater than any obstacle I face and Your love for me endures forever. Help me to follow You on good days and bad days. To trust You moment by moment. Even when my purpose seems vague or my calling appears unseen. When my concerns begin to consume me, Yo.ur love will perfect each one with unfailing grace. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

“I am convinced and confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will continue to perfect and. complete it until the day of Christ Jesus; the time of His return.” (Philippians 1:6)

“They will fight you, but they will fail. For I am with you, and I will take care of you. I, the Lord , have spoken!” (Jeremiah 1:19)

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Published by: A ~ Rambling ~ Zealot ~

Saved, sanctified, and filled with the Holy Ghost; a woman of God, whose life is devoted and surrendered to Him. I am an on fire Zealot for Jesus Christ. I am Your kindling my Lord ... lay me across Your alter; that Your fire may consume me and burn so brightly that all who see me may see YOU!!! .. May You be glorified in everything I say, do, or post ....

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