I just want to encourage someone today….
I know it might not be so easy … for some forgiveness seems impossible. Perhaps anxiety or PTSD are constant companions. But I assure you it can begin as a small seed and grow. Only a seed of willingness is required and God can work with that begin that healing process. Nothing is impossible for God.
I know this because I still struggle with major PTSD and awful anxiety. It is debilitating at times. However, I know that I am being healed and restored because I have seen progress …. Where I once was broken and fragmented, today, I am beautifully broken for my Lord daily as I lay myself before Him and give Him all that I am and allow Him to do the mending ….
I am an incest survivor and have endured unspeakable trauma. Today, I am a not only a survivor, but a Warrior. And yes, a zealot for the Lord . I was delivered from a 25-yr dependence on psyche drugs, so as for medications go, I go it alone as for physical relief. Believe me though when I say I am grateful. I would rather deal with my anxiety than be in that fog of oblivion that was my constant state of mind. Sure, there was relief, but only because I was so whacked out of my mind and lived in total oblivion nearly everyday. I slept most of my days away high and so drugged up that I could not feel. I only speak for myself; and in no way do I demean anyone their method to find relief. I do not judge …. By my own hand I sought many forms of relief to cope with my emotions and subdue my demons.
I often am paralyzed by moments of fear right after a nightmare or a flashback. And I dream in color. They are vivid and feel completely real while I am engaged. My fingernails; or I should say lack thereof, because there really is no nails, but they are almost always to the nub red, raw, and bleeding. However, I used to be a constant “cutter”….. and that’s pretty self explanatory, but for those who aren’t aware, it is self-mutilation behaviors which often becomes an addiction in itself. I thank my Lord that I have not felt the urge to do that in over two years. My old body bears many scars from the abuse perpetrated upon me by my abusers, but also by my own hand. So yes, baby steps ~ but again, I say Amen for there is progress. Daily I am being healed and restored …. Beauty for ashes.
Like most I’m sure, I have good days and bad days. Being a Christian does not exempt from bad days, nor sorrow and pain. I am persuaded however, that I am being restored by the Only Healer who can not only heal the wound, but the scars left behind ….
I say this merely to say that; I pray no one becomes too discouraged in their sorrows that they give up. I have come a long way in my journey from where I was. I too, became discouraged and nearly defeated, having attempted suicide 5 times. Thank heavens He had a purpose and plan for me even then. He watched over me before I even knew Him. We may not see it, as I would never have imagined myself where I am today, but He is watching over all of you even now. You aren’t alone in your struggles. I have found forgiveness, (at least on most days) …. yes, I still have my moments too.
But I feel my emotions today, therefore, I know I am alive; and as long as I am alive, then there is hope. And because I have hope, I can face each day as it comes no matter what it brings; because if I’m alive it means He is not finished with me yet. All it takes is a mustard seed … a tiny little seed of faith and baby steps until you will find yourself no longer crawling, but standing … With the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child …. We can hold our heads up and rest assured that He is walking beside us, even when we may not feel Him. He has begun something in us and He is faithful to see it through to completion …. as it is written;
“Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Phillipians 1:6).
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; He hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.” (Isaiah 61:1-3)
“The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a humble spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth them out of them all.” (Psalm 34:17-19)
Peace be to you all …. Always available if anyone needs an ear or a prayer ❤